How can I be so (un) lucky?

Remember when I used to go around saying, “We are so lucky… over and over?

Well, I don’t say that anymore!

Now, I wonder, how we can be so UNLUCKY?

A year ago, walking the rail on the 10th street bridge, able to balance all the way!

Even though there is so much we don’t understand – especially about our oh-so-bad, “perfect-timing” that (un-beknowns’t-to -us):

  • had us making decisions, that made us ineligible for clinical trials,
  • or miss opportunities by those few days when my blood counts decided to fall?
  • disqualify ourselves from our first choice clinical trial by trying one  – more – thing, because we felt so pressed for time to DO SOMETHING, anything, asap.
  • getting cancer about a year too early for several, very promising therapies, especially the T-cell ones.

How is it that I just happened to be in that rare  1.5 percent of ovarian cancer patients who metastasize to the bones?

Good questions, no answers. How about the flip side?

How did we just happen to be in that rare percent of people who have the wonderful, strong, support surrounding us from all sides of the world?

 

People:

  • Who pray for us in seven different religions.
  • Who offer to help in any way that is needed.
  • Who donate time, money, food and other resources (heart and soul) to carry us through each day.
  • Who send funny/encouraging/uplifting/upper-cards every week.
  • Who will walk with us till the end?
  • Who will support Dave and Abra & her family after I am gone.
  • Who will remember them at Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, mother’s day – all those painful holidays in the first few years.
  • Who will love my grandchildren
  • Who will invite Dave to Teeter Rock to see the wild horses, to hike, camp, to do the kind of things we loved to do.

Thanks to the many, many people far – and – wide who are holding us close in their hearts and lifting us up to God. We feel loved and cared for. We feel safe in the presence of a living, loving God as we continue to live Day-by- Day. Yesterday I asked Dave if I complained or whined too much? His response, was a strong “No”, given what I have to “suffer”. Well, the problem is, on a day-day basis, I don’t feel like I’m suffering unless I’m actually in pain. And this week, the pain level has been pretty manageable, so, “Am I suffering?”

I think, if I live Day- to Day, I’m not really suffering, especially not today when I got up, showered and dressed early, and was able to start working on finishing this post – as long as I’m not in unmanageable pain. If I can live in the moment, I do pretty well. This is where that adult ADHD comes in helpful! This is where your daily prayers make the difference. This is where not having a lot of emotional  baggage weighing me down makes such a difference; I continue to scan my conscience and invite you to scan your heart too for hurts I have caused you that you would like to have resolved. This is where being honest at this stage of life is really important. It’s not about guilt, its about freedom from guilt.When someone calls or writes and apologizes for not having kept in touch or coming by/calling earlier, it’s a great joy to just say, “No guilt!” This is not a time for making people feel guilty about what they have not done! It’s a time for affirming what you have done, andthat you have loved – even without keeping in contact over the years. Focusing on gratitude and enjoying what is, this is what helps me live day-to day and not suffer.

Let’s get through these last weeks … With your love and support, we will.

Peace, Cookie

P.S. For those of you want to make contact and/or who live a distance away and really want to see me before I die, now is the time. I can’t promise lodging, I can’t promise I’ll be able to visit for a long time or go do anything with you, but I would love to see you too. I expect to see folks around Bethel’s Fall Fest, and that may be a good time for many of you to catch up with a number of people. It may be best to email or call ahead and check-in a gain at the last minute.

We also hope to celebrate our 33 and a 1/3 anniversary with a reception/faspa sometime around the 24th of Oct. (not on the Monday).

Given the number of visitors to the site to view this post, I think I did not send out a new post notification by email, hence, a small change here and there, and the opportunity to “notify” you of this post.  I am, however,  sorry to clog your inbox… or your rss feed… but I can’t get it to notify subscribers!

Cookie

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5 Responses to How can I be so (un) lucky?

  1. Charlotte watson says:

    Dear Cookie and Dave
    we love you both very much and are so grateful for the times our paths crossed. As we have already said you were such an amazing support to us in India and we feel privileged to be able to call you our friends. So many special memories of our times together; film and popcorn evenings, hikes, cleaning together, Dave’s fab pancakes, meals together, laughter and sharing. hank you.
    We pray that you both may feel God’s arms around you as you walk this difficult part of your journey. He loves you so much.
    With loads of love Charlotte and Pete xxxx

  2. Richard Hirschler says:

    Dear Dave and Cookie,
    Thank you for your continuing contributions on this site. It is impressive and encouraging to many of us. I appreciate that you have times of suffering and our understanding of luck is small, just as our understanding of God’s love, but we often have both.
    My thinking was stimulated by a Chinese fortune cookie that said doctors heal but nature makes well. I do not heal anything but I can treat and frequently nature heals, but not always. My conclusion was that nature heals and God makes well. I sense this so much in you writings. May God bless you and Dave, until we meet!
    Love, Richard

  3. kmrulka@gmail.com says:

    Cookie, your posts are filled to the brim with insight and inspiration. I am with you on the journey, and your posts help me stay on the path with you. For this, I have deep gratitude for having met you, and for your way of being in this world.
    Love and prayers,
    Kathleen

  4. Jan says:

    Cookie,
    Thank you for your posts, they have been brimming with candor, truth, humor, and love. You have shown gratitude to life and especially God and have truly allowed us to share in your lessons of living, learning, and yes, even dying. May God be with you and yours and I hope that you will be able to relish in the friendship and love from those of us you’ve encountered in the last couple decades. Many thanks for all you’ve taught me, especially in the last year.

  5. cornelia krahn says:

    I now wear my Ovarian Cancer Bracelet 24-7. I hope my thoughts and prayers help just a tiny bit.

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